If you looked up contradiction in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me there. I’m a walking, talking, breathing paradox. I literally can full-heartedly agree with both sides of an argument. My dear Italian friend and I were once having an intense discussion about me. He finally just leaned back in his chair, just gave me a look of hopelessness, and stated: “You’re a complete contradiction!”
It’s a talent for sure. I am a complicated and yet simple person. I am such a girl and such a boy. My mom and I like to describe me like a boy in the form of a girl. I love my 5 inch heels and makeup. I love to look and feel pretty. I also love to drink beer, scream at the TV when the Charger’s make a bad pass (or a good one!) and play video games (while wearing my heels and makeup, thank you). I think you get the point.
There has only been one moment in my life where I went completely over to the dark side (which is the girl side, btw). It was awful and I hope to never experience it again (no offense females of the world). When it comes to low points in life, especially low points in love, I am a very level-headed person. Unlike other females, I think with my head and not my heart. No, I’m not a cold hearted bitch without feelings. I feel all of them. However, I can always reason myself through those feelings and come out the other end happy and a little more enlightened.
Then I met that guy. He wasn’t *that* special. I mean, he was, but I eventually was able to realize there are going to be plenty of other special guys out there just like him. See? Reasoning and coming back to reality. Loves it.
To put it simply, we met. We hung out. I had an amazing time (I’m still not sure where he ever stood, but hey, you can’t know everything). I really liked him, and for someone like myself who is very outspoken and outgoing, he made me nervous and shy. I really wanted for it to work out. And then grand ol’ Life got in the way and it was ripped out from under my feet. For those few who were involved in the healing process of that one, I both thank you and apologize. It kinda wrecked me. I cried and I listened to a lot of sappy music. I barely *knew* him! It was completely ridiculous! You know how, in the movies, when two characters come together and by the end of the movie they are in love when in reality they’ve known each other for FIVE DAYS?! Absurd! And yet, I felt like that was me (without the happy ending). I couldn’t believe I was so upset over someone I had barely known. And yet, here I was… a mess because of some guy. I remember saying to my good friend: “I’m such a GIRL right now! I don’t know what’s wrong with me?!”
That one took a while to get over. Aside from the fact that I was completely not myself, I like to have closure in my life and I never got it. Since then I have vowed to never let myself be in that position ever again. I spent a lot of time analyzing what happened and how I ended up feeling the way I did. To break it down into basics:
-I had just gotten out of a relationship, and while I truly was over it, I didn’t give myself a chance to get used to being single again. It was too easy to shift the relationship comfort to another poor, unsuspecting guy.
-Do not ever be friends on Facebook with someone you are casually hanging out with. This is a new rule for me. If it’s someone I already know and then we start dating, I think I will just have to defriend them until after a 3 month period. If something goes wrong, you don’t want their face popping up and staring at you on that stupid news feed.
-I have always had a thing about trust. People are not trustworthy, even those you think are, they aren’t. Maybe that sounds negative but I can honestly tell you that I always know who my real friends are. I totally broke my unspoken rule and put my faith in this boy who I didn’t know. See how that turned out? Exactly.
-I got too wrapped up in the “what could be” and not the “what was”. This was the one that I hated myself for. While there were a lot of great “signs” there, there was also all the big, flashing red lights that this was not a good idea. I chose to ignore those. Mistake.
So, there you go. For a period of way too long in my life I was a full-fledged female. It was a horrible experience and I hope I never go through it again. Since then I am glad to be back to my boy/girl self. I am back to rock ‘n’ roll and all things generally awesome. It feels fan-frikkin-tastic (except that whole unemployment dillio).
Here's a little nugget of wisdom for the boys out there…
If you ever see a girl headed down this road (ie. She tells you that she really likes you and doesn’t want to get hurt) and if you, for ANY reason feel like you can’t step up to the plate, just end it. Talk to her, if you can’t talk in person, call her. If you can’t do that... email, text, facebook… there comes a point when anything is better than nothing. I don’t accept excuses, I only accept actions. Because, despite whatever lip service you give, not saying anything is *choice* and incredibly selfish one at that. So please…
**As a side note, two Jehovah's witnesses came to my door this morning. I've never had this problem before so I opened the door without checking who it was first and was immediately stuck. Now, when it comes to telemarketers, I don't feel too bad cutting them off with a "sorry, I'm not interested" and hanging up. It's much harder to slam the door in the face of some tiny women. So we talked for few minutes and I kept trying to end of the conversation. Bitch was good. But she finally seemed to agree that no one was going to change my mind about how I feel about religion and it's probably not worth coming back, under the condition that she could leave two little magazines with me. I told her I would read them and I will. It never hurts to see another perspective. But I can also tell you that if I ever decide to pick up a new religion, it's not going to be one that I can't celebrate my birthday.
*Author unknown
**Picture stolen from The Art of Manliness. I haven’t checked out the site yet but I am intrigued and will do so at a later date.
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